When Mediation goes wrong...

The 3 biggest mistakes people make when mediating without training.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people trying to mediate to nip conflict in the bud early – you don’t have to be a professional mediator. After all, I wrote ‘DIY Mediation’ which was all about how to mediate if you are not a mediator! But time and time again I see the awful consequences of a well- intentioned, but untrained, manager who has ‘done a mediation’ only to make things significantly worse. I’m then called in to try to rescue the situation. What are the key things that people get wrong – and what should they be doing instead?

1. Not being impartial

   To mediate effectively you must not take sides. It seems an obvious thing to say but why is it so important? The participants have been through a really tough time and they need to trust that the mediation process will help them move forward. They need to know that you are not going to side with the other person against them. Only if they trust you in this way will they be comfortable to speak openly and honestly.

   Remaining impartial is VERY difficult! However neutral we like to think ourselves, we all have unconscious biases which impact how we view people. Our brain naturally forms judgements based on those biases, and the information it receives. Therefore it’s inevitable that we could think that one person is more ‘right’ than the other. The key is that whatever we may instinctively think or feel we must remain impartial in everything we do as a mediator – acknowledge the thoughts / feelings and put them aside.

   Getting it wrong can be disastrous. I was once asked to speak to two potential mediation participants who had gone through a ‘mediation’ with a manager. The manager had no experience and thought mediation meant deciding who was right and siding with them. It didn’t matter how much I said that it would not be like this, neither would consider mediation again as they had been so traumatised by the initial process.

   
   

2. Controlling the outcome not the process

   ‘They need their heads knocking together’ is a phrase I hear all too often about mediation participants. It suggests the mediator is there to set the participants straight and knock some sense into them. Sadly untrained managers can adopt this mindset, thinking their role is to provide solutions the participants must agree with. This doesn’t work – the people involved need to come up with their own solutions so they are comfortable with what is agreed and can own the outcomes. The mediator is there to manage the process, not the outcome.

   
   

   Yet even for those who know they are not there to determine the solution, it is a real challenge to hold back. I see it often in training role plays where the mediator is keen to move things along and thinks they see an obvious solution. It is so tempting to throw in suggestions as to what participants could do. This is not surprising given that is what we are expected to do in our day to day jobs – provide solutions. But if you are mediating, hold back and help the participants explore their own solutions.

   
   

3. Minimising the exploration phase

   The final ‘mistake’ is probably the most frequent – not taking enough time (or in some cases any time) to explore WHY the situation has arisen. This is understandable. People rightly believe mediation is about finding a mutually agreeable way forward, so their focus is on solutions. Also to address the WHY means going back over what has happened and that can be painful and emotional. Untrained managers are likely to want to steer clear of situations which become emotional. They might even say ‘let’s keep the emotion out of this’ – not only is this impossible but the situation will not move forward if feelings are not addressed.

   
   

   As mediators, we need to take time to dig beneath the surface, to understand how we have arrived at where we are today. It’s obvious when you think about it – how are we going to agree what we need to do to ensure things work in the future if we don’t understand what went wrong in the first place? It would be like building a house without foundations.

   
   

   When we explore thoroughly we can uncover any miscommunication and misunderstanding. We can consider intent as well as how something was received. We can reflect on the perspective of the other. Through doing this underlying interests and needs will be revealed. It is finding solutions that address these unmet needs such as feeling isolated, lack of recognition, not being valued etc that will enable long lasting resolution of the conflict.

I don’t want to put anyone off trying to help colleagues by mediating. If you are not careful and make the mistakes mentioned above, be aware that you can harm the situation rather than improve it, and cause even more pain to those involved. So make sure you know what you are doing – get some training. Or better still, call in a professional mediator!